


Remus Lupin and the Trials of Love, Lust, and Lycanthropy

by gryffindork (VenusDeMil0)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, WOLFSTAR!, a collection of events from the years, i really really enjoyed writing this - a lot more than i thought i would, remus being a total dork in love??, sirius is p cool in this one ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-04 03:29:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20464292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VenusDeMil0/pseuds/gryffindork
Summary: remus lupin in love is an idiot.





	Remus Lupin and the Trials of Love, Lust, and Lycanthropy

The day Remus Lupin realized he was bisexual and in love with Sirius Black was also the day that he considered killing himself.

Although his adult self would later come to view that particular adolescent phase as quite dramatic, at that period of time, Remus was convinced that he was committing the hugest sin in history. Not only was he a werewolf, he was also bisexual. AND in love with one of his best friends. A triple threat, but not in a good way.

At thirteen, that was a bit too much for him to handle. Because the task of keeping those three huge secrets, all of which were really important to him, was far more difficult than he had ever imagined it would be. Not only were his three closest friends growing increasingly suspicious of his "sick visits" to his mother, but being in close proximity to Sirius Black and pining after him constantly and was also killing him inside.

If Remus could have told his friends about any of his secrets, he would have. But he knew he couldn't. No one wanted to be friends with a werewolf. Sure, James and Sirius and Peter were quite tolerant with half-bloods and muggle-borns, but a werewolf? He could never take that chance.

And as for the Sirius Black thing, that was secret never escaping him. Ever. He knew that from the start. No matter Sirius's sexuality, there was no way he'd be interested in Remus.

But sometimes Remus couldn't help but hope.

"Pass the frogs, huh, Loopy?"

Remus startled to attention. _Stop daydreaming and wake up. You're in potions._

Realizing Sirius was talking to him, he said disdainfully, "Loopy?"

"I need a nickname for you. If you can find a better one I'd gladly use it," Sirius said with a grin. "Now pass the frogs, mate."

Remus passed over the tub of frog legs and went back to stirring his potion, gazing into it pensively, wishing it was an anti-gay potion of some sort. The class was slowly filling with the haze of about thirty separate potions, causing him to be a bit lightheaded. As he contemplated drowning himself in the potion, Sirius did something Remus hoped he wouldn't do: he threw his arm around Remus's shoulder. Then he rubbed Remus's shoulder with his hands, apparently absentmindedly. "This class is soooo boring," he moaned. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus could feel Severus Snape glaring at them because of Sirius's comment.

Sirius. His smell was intoxicating. His scent was everywhere; that leathery, smoky, mango was invading his senses and Remus couldn't get rid of it. He tried to breathe himself back to normalcy. _One, two, three..._

"Remus?" James's worried face entered his line of vision. "You okay? You look a bit pale."

Remus blinked back up at James's bespectacled face, wishing he could answer, but Sirius beat him to the punch.

"He's fine," Sirius answered, but the removed his arm away from Remus's shoulder, and Remus found that he could breathe well enough again. He hadn't realized he was holding his breath until Sirius's contact with his skin stopped. James still looked worried, but all that changed when Snape and Lily Evans walked by their table together, and he adopted a rather sour expression, crossing his arms.

"What does she see even see in him?" James muttered, glaring after the two. "He's not even that cute. And he has greasy hair."

Sirius let out a barklike laugh that made Remus's spine tingle with an unknown feeling. "Poor James. Y'know what? I bet she and Snivelly take pity on you and invite you to their wedding."

James let out a wail. "Don't joke about those things!"

Peter, who had been following James and Sirius's verbal spat with interest, leaned over to Remus just as Sirius said something along the lines of, "You thinking you can clap her is the real joke!"

"You good?" Peter asked him softly. "Because if the potion fumes are bothering you, well, you're not the only one. I feel so dizzy."

"I'm okay, Peter. Thanks."

But was he okay, really? Was it okay to have an aneurysm every time one of your best friends touched you? Was it okay to make a whole scene in potions for no reason?

"Full moon tomorrow night," James said with a grin, rubbing his hands together, bringing Remus out of his thoughts again. "What are we doing? Honeydukes raid?"

"I can't," Remus said, hating himself, and all three boys groaned simultaneously. "I-I've got to—"

"Visit your mum," all the boys finished together.

"We know," Sirius said, sounding disappointed, "but why do you always pick the best day of the month to see her? Come on. Spend one full moon with us. Just one. It's the best night of the year. Plus, the moonlight is supposed to be really romantic." He said the last part with a heart-stopping grin.

"I can't. I promised her I'd be home."

"Just tell her your train ran late!" Sirius insisted. James pinched his arm.

"Shut up, mate. He's already made up his mind. Plus, it's his mum! He can't not visit her."

Sirus let out a dry chuckle. "You're right. Just 'cause my mum's a right bloody wench doesn't mean everybody else's is. I have to try to remember that."

Throuought the rest of the potions lesson, Remus felt painfully aware of the fact that he was consistently lying to his best friends, and that they so willingly believed him. When the bell rang, signifying the end of potions, Remus made up his mind. He was going to tell them. No matter the cost. If they were truly his friends, they'd support him. If not, well, he didn't exactly want to think about that.

_After potions_, he promised himself. _Right after_. But, of course, he ended up chickening out. So he made a promise to tell them right after Defense Against the Dark Arts, which was their next class. That wasn't so hard. He could do that.

When the four boys reached the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, they were all surprised to see it empty, save for a large, rattling cabinet that was placed in the center of the room. All of the desks had been pushed against the walls.

"W-what do you think is in that cabinet?" Peter whispered nervously, shaking like a leaf. Remus patted his arm comfortingly. "It can't be that bad," he said, not mentioning that he was feeling a bit anxious himself.

Turned out it was bad.

Because, as their professor told them, in that cabinet was one of the scariest creatures known to wizardkind — a boggart.

James, who liked to brag that he wasn't scared of anything (mainly for Lily's sake, although he liked to deny the reason) was the first to volunteer when the professor told the class they'd be given a practical lesson with the boggart. Everyone watched warily as James approached the middle of the classroom in front of the shaking cabinet.

The professor flicked his wand, opening the cabinet, and there was a whoosh of air before whatever had been in the cabinet materialized into two very familiar people, lying spread-eagled on the floor, their mouths and eyes frozen in a horrified expression.

"Mum?" James whispered with bated breath, approaching the imitations of what appeared to be his dead parents lying on the floor. "Dad?"

Nobody in the class seemed to know what do do, all looking around at each other nervously. Lily was twisting her hair, Sirius was staring at Euphemia and Fleamont Potter with a sense of morose sympathy, and Remus just felt extremely confused. How could Mr. and Mrs. Potter be there lying like that? Weren't they at home? And how had the creature in the cabinet materialized into their likenesses so fast?

"That, students, is a boggart," the professor explained, and quickly added, "Riddikulus!" The hoaxes that were James's parents vanished, and so did James's horrified expression. "A boggart is a shape-shifter, and one that takes the image of your worst fear. Would anyone else like to take a turn?"

The whole class simultaneously backed away. Remus, who did not get the message quick enough, was standing in the forefront of the class. The professor smiled at him.

"Ah! Mr. Lupin. Come, come."

Remus opened his mouth to protest that no, he didn't want to do this, could someone else take a turn, and—

But it was too late because the professor had already summoned the boggart again. Remus took a deep breath, pulled his wand out, and turned toward it, preparing to face whatever the boggart turned into.

And it was... a shining white orb?

_Holy crap._

Horror washed over Remus as he realized what it was. Smiling nervously, he prayed that the professor would banish the moon quickly. Behind him, he could hear whispers, many most likely confused ones as to why he was scared of a large glowing ball.

But it wasn't just a large glowing ball. Not by a long shot.

Closing his eyes tightly, Remus continued to wish on what seemed like an unfulfillable desire. _Get rid of the moon before anyone notices what it truly is, please, please, please..._

Finally, finally, the professor repeated his earlier mantra of "Ridikkulus!" and the moon vanished. Breathing a sigh of relief, Remus turned around to face his friends. He felt his stomach sink, however, when he saw James, Sirius, and Peter all staring at him with the same confused expressions on their face.

"Remus?" James said when he approached them while Pranav Patil stepped up to take his turn with the boggart. "Was that... the moon?"

"Uh... no!" Remus protested lamely. "That was... a balloon."

"A balloon," Sirius repeated.

"Yes."

The three boys let the matter drop there and didn't question him further, to Remus's relief. However, it was with apprehensiveness that he noticed that as the rest of the day progressed they had become less talkative, and by the time dinner rolled around James, Sirius, and Peter had not said a word to him since lunch. He wasn't sure why, because they couldn't be mad at him, they had just sat with him at lunch and through the classes like normal...

Eating in silence, Remus realized, was no fun. Especially when he knew in the back of his mind that they were probably quiet because of the 'balloon' incident. Not feeling like going to straight to bed after dinner, he stood up from the table and said to his friends, "I'll be right back. Going for a walk."

He ended up heading to one of the only spots that he knew would be empty: the astronomy tower. Pulling an éclair out of his pocket, he proceeded to nibble on it while observing the sky, imagining that he was a bird, a bird that could fly, fly away from its problems, high in the sky, among the stars...

The sound of approaching footsteps behind him made Remus turn around, but he faced back to the sky when he realized it was just Sirius, holding a cigarette. Sirius came and stood next to him for a few seconds, lighting the cigar in silence.

"I know your secret, Remus Lupin. We all do."

Remus could feel his heart beat ten times faster as he watched Sirius cooly lean back and take a puff of his cigarette, the smoke swirling as puffs into the night air. "W-what?" he choked out, trying to feign nonchalance.

"Your secret. We know it. And we don't hate you for it. In fact, I personally think it makes you more of a human than everyone else."

_Which secret do you know_? Remus wanted to shout. _Is it the one where I turn into a ferocious monster every month or the one where I think I'm in love with you_? But instead he bleated feebly, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. But I'm not gonna force you to talk about it. Not if you don't want to. But I'm here for you. I know it's hard. I could never imagine what you go through every month."

Sirius exhaled again, and another puff spiraled into the air. It was silent as the two boys looked out at the dark hills and Hagrid's cabin, the only sound owls hooting from the far-off owlery and the night wind. "Did you really think we wouldn't figure it out?" he added finally. "Because I hope you realize that it could've gone either way, but in the end we'd still have found out. After a while, it was painstakingly obvious."

Remus didn't know whether to speak or not, but he was certain he knew which secret Sirius was referring to. Confused as to if he should feel scared or relieved, he said softly, "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you before."

"It's okay."

It wasn't okay. They both knew that. Or at least Remus did. But he didn't say that. Instead he said, "Can I have a puff of the cigarette?"

He had no idea why he said that. He hadn't even meant to say it. Looking surprised, Sirius passed the cigar over. It was warm and smelled exactly like him. Trying not to think too much about the fact that this cigar had been in Sirius's mouth, Remus took a drag and attempted to puff the smoke the way Sirius had been doing it. The air went down the wrong throat pipe, however, and he ended up coughing his lungs out while Sirius watched empathetically.

"Not like that." Sirius's voice was a mix of things. Firm, gentle, sympathetic, kind. "Like this." Taking the cigarette from Remus's hands, Sirius took a third drag, then sucked in his cheeks to blow out the smoky residue. Remus watched intently, trying to commit Sirius's visual instructions to memory, but when it was his turn he ended up hacking the smoke in his throat again.

"Take it back," he told Sirius, holding out the cigarette, and he wasn't surprised to hear that his voice sounded clogged.

Sirius took it back, but instead of putting it in his mouth again he tossed it on the floor and put it out with the heel of his shoe, all the while letting his gray eyes roam the dark countryside. After a few seconds, however, he turned to Remus, and Remus was surprised to see that Sirius had an angry look on his face.

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius finally said.

"Sure." Remus braced himself for impact. _He knows that you fancy him and he's straight. He knows and it's over._

"Why the hell did you not tell us that you were a werewolf?"

Surprised, Remus blinked. "Because—"

"Did you really think that we would unfriend you for a stupid thing like that?" Sirius interrupted with a sneer. "After all that I've been through. After all the crap my parents put me through, you really think we'd treat you different because you're a werewolf?"

Remus was at a loss for words but attempted to redeem himself. "I don't know, I mean, the whole wizarding community hates people like me, and you guys don't deserve to have a werewolf as a friend, and—"

"Shut up," Sirius snarled, and Remus was genuinely frightened. "Shut the hell up. If you ever say another crazy thing like that I will literally _mace_ you. We like you, Remus, okay? James and Peter and I, we love you. For who you are. You being a werewolf is just another personality trait, and is no way in hell a defining point of our friendship."

Remus trained his eyes on a faraway star, that, ironically enough, was also named Sirius. "You don't get it, okay?" he said, and he was surprised to hear his voice come out much more controlled than he felt inside. "It's not just a personality trait. I could literally kill you unrestrained, Sirius. And I know James thinks he can take on the monsters inside the Forbidden Forest, but he could never match me in wolf form. And I wouldn't even know if I was hurting him because the wolf takes over me completely." Remus hugged himself as if to contain the animal inside of him. "I'm a monster, Sirius. And you guys need to stay away from me. Because I know I could never live with myself if I hurt one of you."

"Yeah, well, I could never live with myself knowing that I lost one of the best friends I ever had just because of a monthly condition that's not even his bloody fault."

Remus wasn't fully shocked to feel tears starting to prickle in his eyes. He hastily wiped them away, trying not to let Sirius see. "I..."

"It's okay," Sirius said, and in that moment Remus felt that Sirius truly understood. He threw his arm around Remus's for the second time that day. Remus allowed himself to bury his head between the crook of Sirius's neck, letting his tears fall freely. After about ten minutes of them sitting there in silence there was a rustle behind them, and then two more sets of hands and legs joined them. Remus smiled a watery and grateful smile as James and Peter sat down next to them as well.

"I cannot believe you're a werewolf," James told him, both to break the silence and also because it seemed like something he'd been wanting to say. "That's so cool! Imagine all the wild adventures we could get up to!"

"And we still love you, Remus," Peter told him squeakily. "You're our best friend."

"Yeah." James nodded fervently. "I mean, who else would I steal jumpers from during the wintertime?"

"And who else would I ask to teach me to play chess?" Peter chimed in.

"And who else would we hang out with and be best friends and roommates with, if not you?" Sirius finished, and for some reason his voice sounded the deepest out of all the rest, more authoritative, more mature. Remus didn't answer, just shook his head, but he could feel the stream of tears starting to ebb away.

Quietly, James and Peter both took hold of his left hand, and Sirius took hold of the other. All four of them looked at the sky silently, each thinking different things. Sirius squeezed his hand once, and Remus squeezed back, love for the three idiots sitting with him flowing through his veins.

"I think one problem is solved, though," Sirius's voice floated through the dark a few minutes later.

"What?"

Your nickname! I have the perfect one."

Remus tried not to grin. "Tell me."

"Moony."

* * *

The day that Remus Lupin found out that Sirius Black was bisexual as well was also the day that he lifted one of his own secrets off his chest.

It was an accident, really. A fluke. A product of the insane fifth year that had bound them, and Sirius hadn't even been the one to tell him.

Remus was up on the astronomy tower again. It had quickly become his favorite spot at Hogwarts, both because it was a place to escape the crowds of students in the hallways and also because it was an optimal stargazing point, hence its name.

He loved sitting up on the ledge, legs dangling into nothingness, staring up at the stars and wishing he was one of them, thinking about nothing in particular yet everything at the same time.

He was just staring at the bright ball of glittering gas that was also named Sirius, trying to commit its location to memory out of the thousands of other stars in the sky, when there was a clunking sound behind him.

Remus turned as James sat down next to him. "Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," James answered softly, avoiding Remus's gaze.

Remus knew that James still felt guilty about the whole Snape and Lily thing that had happened earlier that day, and thought it best not to mention it. Instead he said, "Nice night, huh?"

"Not really." James swung his legs. "We have the O.W.L. for Transfiguration tomorrow."

"I'm sure we'll do fine."

"Yeah, I know. I just..." James buried his head in his hands, and Remus knew that he was about to talk about the incident that had happened that morning. "I just feel so bad. I mean, I'm glad that she's finally seeing the bad side of Snivellus, because he was always a jerk, but the way that she had to find that out was just brutal. And the fact that she thought I would ever call her a... a you-know-what..." James trailed off with a shake of his head. "Nobody really understands what it's like to fall in love with someone the way I have with her, y'know?"

"Yeah, I sure have no idea what it feels like," Remus lied. "I don't think Sirius or Peter do either. But we'll help you out, don't worry. Provided you sensitize that thick head of yours."

"Sirius might actually understand, a bit, though," James mused out loud. "I mean, he has been eyeing that Hufflepuff prefect for a few weeks..."

This was news to Remus, who said, "Oh, really, who?" while trying to keep an impassive face.

"I forgot their name... the Indian one."

"But Justine Abbott isn't Indian," Remus said slowly, naming the one female fifth-year Hufflepuff prefect he could think of. "Is she from sixth or seventh year?"

"What? No, it's a he," James clarified. "Y'know, Pranav Patil?"

At first, Remus didn't comprehend what James was saying. "He fancies Pranav? But Pranav's a guy!"

And then it hit him.

"Yeah," James said, watching him closely. "Yeah, that was my reaction too. But he says that he's not gay, he's bi. I found out yesterday."

Out of all the mix of emotions, Remus the most hurt. Sirius had told James before he had told him? But he didn't dwell on it, because James added, "It sort of makes sense, you know, because he's always never really been one to conform to just girls, and he hinted before that he might like guys too. His parents don't know, of course. Otherwise he'd be dead meat."

"Was... was Sirius planning to tell me or Peter anytime soon?" Remus found himself asking. James patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm sure he was," he said comfortingly. "I mean, you guys are also his best friends."

Remus didn't quite believe him, only glared up at the Sirius star that was twinkling mockingly at him. He really did not know how to feel. Should he confront Sirius about this?

Yes, he decided that he should.

When he and James headed back to their dormitory half an hour later, Sirius and Peter were already in their pajamas, playing Exploding Snap on what appeared to be the smoky remnants of James's blankets. James glared at them.

"Oi! Twats! What do you think you're doing?"

"Exploding Snap?" Peter said innocently as a steady column of smoke began to rise from the one of the corners of James's bed. James let out a yelp.

"Not on my bed! Play on your bed!"

"We already played on mine and Remus's!" Peter protested. Sirius grinned angelically.

James seemed to be on the very edge. "If you guys don't get off my bed I will literally turn all of your knickers to frogs."

"You wouldn't," Sirius snickered, but he and Peter clambered off anyway.

Muttering obscenely, James clambered into what remained of his smoky bed. Climbing onto his suspiciously charred mattress as well, Remus flicked the light off with his switch. There was silence as all four boys burrowed themselves in their blankets, trying their best to get comfortable. Remus took a deep breath.

"Sirius?" he said to the ceiling.

"Yeah, Moony?"

"When were you planning to tell me and Peter that you're bisexual?"

Remus heard what seemed like an intake of breath from Sirius and a gasp of surprise from Peter, and then finally an answer came: "When I found the right words."

"But you already told James."

The light suddenly turned on again, causing all four boys to squint. Sirius, sitting up in his bed, had evidently been the one to switch on the light. "I know I did. And I was going to tell you too, soon. James wasn't even supposed to find out, but he was there when I was chatting up Pranav."

Remus furrowed his brow. "So... let me get this straight. When I didn't tell you guys I was a werewolf you yell at me, but you can keep a secret like this from us and not get called out for it?"

Remus knew he was being extremely hypocritical, as he was bisexual himself, but the situation still angered him. How was any of this fair? How could Sirius keep such an important secret from his friends?

"Look." Sirius's voice was taking on that rough quality it did when he was annoyed at something or someone. "My coming out is my choice. And although you guys are my best friends, I'm sure that you can understand that I have certain reservations about being so open and vulnerable, okay?"

"I get that," Remus snapped. "It's just that you made such a big deal about me being a werewolf. Made me feel like crap for not telling you. And now you're going to keep something like this from us? For so long?"

"My sexuality isn't the same thing as being a werewolf, Remus! Thirty days out of thirty-one, you're a normal human being, but me? I'm bisexual every single day! Three-hundred-sixty-five days a year!"

"Well, have you ever considered that I might be bi as well?"

The words were out of Remus's mouth before he could stop or even process them. Sirius, Peter, and James all stared at him.

"What?" said Sirius sharply.

"What?" James echoed dumbly.

"I'm so confused," Peter moaned.

Remus decided that now that he'd outed himself, he might as well stick with it.

"Yeah," he said finally. "I'm bi too. And I've known for a while now. I'm bi _and_ a werewolf. Got any questions? No? Okay? Good."

Sirius was staring at him with a mixture of expressions he could not place. Finally, to Remus's surprise, Sirius's eventful words were, "How long?"

Remus looked down at the blankets he was playing with, twisting the frayed threads with his fingers. "Since first year," he muttered, not making eye contact with any of the other boys in the room.

As James let out a sort of choked noise of surprise and indignance, Sirius said angrily, "You are a hypocrite, Remus Lupin, you know that?"

Remus looked up quickly, sure he had heard wrong. "Excuse me?"

"You keep the werewolf secret from us, fine, but then you've also been bisexual? Since _first year_?" The hurt in Sirius's voice was unmistakable. "And then you get mad at me for not telling you something about myself that I literally just figured out less than a month ago? Where's the logic in that?"

Remus did not answer, just busied himself with admiring the patchwork on his blanket. He could see James buried under his comforter, not wanting to be involved best friends' fight.

"What is the problem, Remus?" Sirius's voice was on the edge of breaking. "Do you not trust us? Do you genuinely not think we can keep your secrets? Do you think we'll judge you? Think we won't support you? What is it? _What's the problem_?"

Struggling on conveying his insecurity into words, Remus instead defended himself with, "I know you guys will support me. But it's hard. I've always grown up with the ideas that my secrets will burden others. And I couldn't do that to you guys, not to such great people..."

"Remus." Sirius spoke his words slowly and deliberately. "We're your _friends_. Here for you. Good and bad. Right?" He looked around at Peter and James.

"Right!" Peter said enthusiastically from his bed. Remus smiled at him.

"Right," James echoed from underneath his blankets. Remus could feel his grin growing wider. How had he ever doubted any of these three idiots?

"And yeah," Sirius said finally, jolting Remus out of his own thoughts. "I'm bi. And I should have told you earlier, I agree. But I'll only tell you my secrets from this point forward if you agree to share yours. Agreed?"

"Sure," Remus said, agreeing mainly because he wanted to foster more trust and also because he knew Sirius would be hurt if he said no. James turned out the lights, and all four boys fell asleep not soon after. But as Remus was about to drift off to sleep, one last, imposing thought crossed his mind:

_There's still one more important secret Sirius doesn't know..._

* * *

The day that Remus Lupin confessed his love for Sirius Black was also the day he realized that his whole life had been leading up to that moment.

He supposed he had Lily and James to thank for it, really. One morning, the last day of December, in seventh year, after about three months of dating, the two had come down for breakfast with stupid matching smiles on their faces and equally messy hair. Laughing, Lily had stolen a piece of toast from Sirius's plate and popped it into her mouth. Then she sat down next to a still-grinning James and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

"You two are absolutely revolting," Sirius told them matter-of-factly, grabbing another piece of toast for himself. "Go find another place for PDA, yeah?"

"That wasn't PDA. Now _this_ is PDA." And before Sirius and Remus were ready for it, she had grabbed James by the face and placed her mouth on his in quite a hot and heavy kiss. James dropped his fork immediately and started kissing her back with extreme fervor, tangling his hands in her hair. Remus was certain he heard some moaning as Lily pulled away, a smirk on her face. "See, Black? PDA."

"So you've got yourself a boyfriend. No need to flaunt it."

"Hey." She wagged her finger at him. "Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

"You have James as your boyfriend. I don't hate you; I pity you."

"Hey!" James said indignantly as Remus and Lily both laughed. "I'll have you know that I'm quite a catch!"

"Okay. Just because you can't get in a relationship doesn't mean you have to hate on everybody that's in one," Lily said despondently to Sirius, ignoring James's comment.

"That's bollocks. I could be in a relationship if I wanted to," Sirius told her. "I'm just not. In fact, I could probably get a New Year's kiss from anyone I want."

Remus, who had been following Sirius and Lily's conversation with interest, turned his head away slightly at Sirius's comment and tried to busy himself by shaking copious amounts of salt onto his eggs. This action was not missed by Lily, who gave him a strange but knowing look.

"Oh yeah?" Instead of backing down, she raised her eyebrows at Sirius. "You're on. Bet you're not as suave as you think. And it can't just be some random bimbo. It has to be someone you know." Remus did not appreciate the smirk and wink she threw his way after she said this.

"So you're off the list, then?" Sirius teased. Lily glared at him.

"Shut up before I rip off your testicles," she said icily. He and James both snickered.

Throughout the rest of the morning, all through the annual Marauders (now Marauders and Lily) snowball fight, through the adventure of going to the kitchens for hot cocoa, and while sneaking into Hogsmeade for beer and decorations for the New Year's Eve party, Remus couldn't stop pondering Sirius's bet with Lily. He didn't know why he felt so low about the thought of it; Sirius had never been his to begin with and probably didn't even feel the same way about him.

But still, it stung. At least when Sirius was single Remus could convince himself that there was a chance, however slim, that Sirius held even a fraction of feelings Remus harbored towards him. But once Sirius kissed someone else, someone who wasn't him, it was over. And Remus, however much in love with Sirius he was, would never allow or inspire Sirius to cheat; his moral codes were far too high for that.

He allowed himself to watch James and Lily, cuddled together in a large armchair by the fireplace, laughing and talking and kissing and just being together and in love, trying not to let the jealousy overtake his happiness for them.

If only it was that easy.

Remus pulled out a book that had recently become one of his favorites — _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen — when the weight on the other side of the couch suddenly shifted.

"Hey." Sirius leaned over from his seat and peered at Remus's lap. "Whatcha readin'?"

Remus, still struggling to slow his heartbeat around Sirius even years later, answered, "A muggle book."

"What book?" Without asking, Sirius plucked the book from Remus's lap. "This is a romance book!" he exclaimed with laughter upon a quick scan of the synopsis. "I didn't know you were a secret romantic!"

"I'm not." Remus snatched the book back, blushing.

"He totally is," Lily chimed in from her corner, smirking. Remus glared at her.

"You're not helping."

From his seat next to Remus, Sirius poked his shoulder. "I'm bored."

"I'm trying to read," Remus answered, though he couldn't help but smile.

"Come on. Play with me."

So Remus, the whipped idiot he was, gave in and agreed to a game of Exploding Snap, Lily grinning gleefully all the while. Remus could feel himself going red every time she raised her eyebrows at him, because she totally knew. And she was never going to let him live it down.

All through playing Exploding Snap with Sirius, Remus couldn't stop thinking about the stupid bet. Sirius hadn't made any moves yet to prove Lily wrong, but Remus knew that was of his own volition. If Sirius announced that he was looking for a partner, half of Hogwarts would have shown up at his door, making Remus bitter at the very thought. Luckily for him, Lily provided the perfect opportunity for a good distraction by standing up, clapping her hands enthusiastically, and announcing, "Decoration time!"

So he, Sirius, Peter, and James all traipsed loyally to James and Lily's shared Heads' common room (what they used it for, he really didn't want to know) and dumped bag after bag of decorating supplies on the floor. "And now," Sirius said dramatically, pointing his wand up to the ceiling, "We decorate!"

He reached his hand out for the roll of gold streamers just as Remus was about to grab them as well. Their hands connected for a brief second, and Remus quickly snatched his hand back as if he'd been electrocuted. Sirius gave him a questioning look.

"I thought there was a spider," Remus explained innocently, then tried to eliminate all traces of his blush when Sirius wasn't looking. He didn't know why he was acting like such a schoolgirl even four years later, but he did know that he had to keep his reactions in check or Lily would know the truth for sure.

"Come on, you guys!" Lily bellowed, sounding quite like a military trainer, her voice drifting across the room. "We have to make this a New Year's Party nobody will ever be able to forget!" She clapped her hands for what seemed like the tenth time that day. "That banner needs to go higher, Pete! Higher!"

Needless to say, by the time the decorating session was over everyone was sufficiently tired and hungry, and they all headed down to the kitchen for a snack. Down in the kitchens, the house-elves were busy at work preparing the New Year's feast.

"Hey!" Sirius announced to the elves at large, strutting into the room. "Snacks, please?" Peter and James joined him, licking their lips at the delicious-looking foods strewn about.

As the house-elves congregated to the table, all holding dishes of sumptuous puddings and desserts, Remus let himself observe Sirius from afar, the sharp edges of his jawline, his nicely toned forearms, his silky hair, tied in a bun—

"You are _so_ in love with him," came a smug voice from his side. Remus looked down slightly to see Lily standing right next to him.

He crossed his arms. "Am not."

She just laughed. "Are too. You were totally drooling over him just now."

"Was not," Remus insisted childishly.

She just patted his back before going to join the others. "Okay. If you say so, mate."

The food was good. Too good. Remus found himself craving more after every éclair had been consumed, all the tarts had been devoured, and the day's second round hot cocoa sipped clean out of every mug. But Lily and James dragged him back up the stairs because "The party's starting in twenty minutes! Go get ready!"

And he did, putting extra care in his appearance for no reason whatsoever, even using some of James's Sleakeazy to try and see if it made a notable difference (which it did, but not one he was particularly comfortable with). By the time he actually got to the party it was thirty minutes later and the party already seemed to be in full swing, which wasn't particularly surprising for Gryffindor events.

As he climbed into the room via the trapdoor, the first thing that hit him was the smell. The intense smell of firewhisky, to be exact. Remus grabbed himself a bottle and avoided stepping on various people's feet as he fought his way through the massive throng of people to find one of his friends. He located Peter in the corner, already completely drunk, singing _God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs_ along with Hagrid.

He managed to find Lily and James a few minutes later, but they were snogging vigorously on the couch, looking like they didn't want to be disturbed. Standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, a half-empty bottle in one hand, Remus considered leaving. But then, something caught his eye, and lo and behold, there was Sirius, chatting animatedly with some girl wearing Ravenclaw robes. Then, right before Remus's eyes, Sirius leaned forward and gave the Ravenclaw girl a long hug, a look of what a (biased) Remus could only describe as longing in his eyes. Then, right before his eyes, _Sirius kissed the Ravenclaw girl on her cheek._

And that was when he knew he couldn't take anymore. Attempting to exit the Heads' common room unnoticed, he climbed out of the trapdoor and into the hallway. His aim was to go back to Gryffindor tower, back to his bed, the one thing in life that couldn't let him down no matter what. He wanted to go to the dormitories, he really did, but he ended up turning right where he was supposed to go left and left where he was supposed to go right, ending up the one place that he wanted to avoid, simply because of the memories.

The astronomy tower.

Luckily, it was deserted at the moment. No smoking Sirius or the usual shaggers that populated the tower during nighttimes. Sitting on the window ledge like he always did, Remus glared up at the moon. Stupid waxing crescent. "This is all your fault," he said loudly, glaring at it. Of course, it actually wasn't. But blaming the circular hunk of rock in the sky was an easy go-to for all of his problems. "I hate you."

The moon only gleamed back in reply. Groaning, Remus buried his face in his hands and tried not to think about Sirius snogging that stupid girl from Ravenclaw. _Conceal, don't feel..._

"This is so unfair!" he bellowed, and for once he really let himself loose, not caring that his voice was echoing off the castle and through the grounds. "I should be the one there! I should be the one who—"

"You should be the one who what, Moony?"

Remus's heart stopped as he turned around because _no, it couldn't be him, he can't be standing there, he didn't just hear me scream like that..._

But of course it was him.

Sirius was standing in the doorway looking at him with an emotion in his eyes Remus couldn't quite place. "You should be the one who what?" Sirius repeated, and Remus snapped to attention.

"Nothing!" he said quickly. Sirius didn't buy it, however, and instead came to perch on the edge of the window ledge with Remus.

"It sounded important. Tell me, Remus."

His name sounded foreign coming out of Sirius's mouth, and Remus had to take a minute to get used to it. "It's nothing," he insisted.

Sirius looked out over the dark grounds like he had done so many times before, pensive and thoughtful. "Okay. Fine."

Remus looked guiltily away from Sirius and towards Hagrid's cabin, where there were lights in the windows and smoke coming out of the chimney, even though Hagrid was at James and Lily's party. _Happy New Year to me_, he thought bitterly.

As if he could read Remus's thoughts, Sirius cleared his throat. "One minute till midnight."

Remus couldn't take it anymore. He had to ask. "Why aren't you with her?" he snarled, then nearly recoiled at how hostile his own voice sounded.

Sirius's voice was soft. "Hestia?"

"Yeah. Her. Whatever her name was," Remus answered sourly, crossing his arms.

"Well..." Sirius trailed off. "I decided that I would rather be with you."

Remus's heart skipped a beat. "No you wouldn't," he said, trying to fight the fact that he felt like jumping for joy. But he had to know the real reason. "You just feel pity for me. Plus, you kissed her."

The mood seemed to shift suddenly.

"Excuse me?" Sirius said dangerously, and Remus regretted what he said. "Are you _joking_? And I only kissed her on the cheek, stupid."

Remus didn't reply, half out of fear, half because he literally had no idea what to say.

"That is the biggest load of dragon dung that you have ever said, Remus Lupin. I admire you. But I sure as hell don't _pity you_. In fact, I'm jealous of you. You know why? Because you're amazing. You're one of the strongest and most resilient people I know."

Remus stared at him blankly. Sirius was _jealous_ of him? No way. But before he could say anything else, Sirius added, "Fifteen seconds."

And Remus made his decision within ten seconds.

_Five._

"Sirius?" 

_Four._

"Yeah?" 

_Three._

"I..." 

_Two._

"I... I'm in love with you." 

_One._

And then, before Remus could process what was happening, Sirius grabbed his shoulders, pulled him closer, and crashed his lips onto his.

And it was... paradise. Everything Remus dreamed it would be. He could feel himself folding and melting like putty under Sirius's touch. Shyly, Remus continued kissing Sirius while toying with the dark strands of hair at the base of his neck, and Sirius let out a low groan.

Finally, when the need for oxygen was becoming increasingly prevalent, Sirius pulled back.

"I'm sorry." His lips were tantalizingly wet; Remus had to resist the urge to kiss them again, and instead tried to focus on letting Sirius speak. "I know I shouldn't have done that—"

"No." Remus tried not to let his giddiness seep into his voice. "That was... amazing."

Sirius's gray eyes searched Remus's golden ones. "I just wanted to let you know... I love you too, Remus Lupin. I always have, and I always will. Until the end."

Remus could feel his heart beating ten times faster due to the jubilation running through his veins. "Happy New Year," he breathed. He could see Sirius's hungry eyes resting on his lips, and the sight nearly unwound him then and there. "Kiss me again," he whispered finally, pulling Sirius back toward him by the neck.

And the day that Remus Lupin was kissed by Sirius Black for the second time was also the day that he considered not killing himself because he realized that had a lot (specifically one reason) to live for.


End file.
